i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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