You can't motorboat a personality
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
