You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
