I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
