I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
