i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
