You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
