I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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