you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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