I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
