College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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