i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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