Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
