I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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