Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it was like eating out sand paper
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You pole danced in your parka.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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