I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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