my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
