We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
