He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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