guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
