Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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