I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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