i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You pole danced in your parka.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
