Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
