I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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