woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize