everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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