I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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