I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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