Where did you get a picture of my penis
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
