He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need to align my fucking chakras
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