Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
