Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
