The maid of honor just puked.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
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Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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