Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
