I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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