i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
