The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
