youre lurking in front of me
Jerry, you need to find god
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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