I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
