Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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