i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
