If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
