You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
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She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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