The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
