She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
