Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Found the puke drawer
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
