so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You ruined the universe
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
