Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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