her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
