I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Screwed.edu
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
