The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
