You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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