Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
