Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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