There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
