lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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