Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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