I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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