dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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