i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
