Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
