they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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